So as I left off with my last post, there’s no wedding on the horizon for me! So many people were shocked by the news, because on the surface, we seemed normal and happy. But for me, this was a long time coming. When I first started questioning my desire to get married, I had doubts. Oh, so many doubts. Like Mrs. Woodpecker before me, I didn’t want to be that chick who called off her engagement. Is there a stigma for that? I wondered if this was just typical “cold feet” and wedding nerves, and if I was being ridiculous for thinking I might not want to get married.
I had SO. MUCH. GUILT. If I call off the wedding, we lose money, we lose our collective life together, the house, the pets, the bank account. I’ll devastate our families and friends, and I’M RUINING SOMEONE’S LIFE. Not just my own, but Monsieur P’s life.
While I was sorting through all of these emotions, I became so detached and withdrawn from everything. My work suffered, my relationships suffered, I sat in silence for hours just mulling everything over in my head. It was like I was in a bubble, totally lost in my thoughts. I constantly questioned whether I even had the nerve to go through with it either way, to call it off or to make it down the aisle. More than once I thought “nope, eff it, I’m just getting married.” Because it was easier that way. I can’t just go, my cds are in his truck!
A little comedic relief…
Monsieur P knew something was up, but I knew I couldn’t start having a conversation about my doubts until I was sure of my plan either way. Saying “I don’t think I want to get married…” is pretty much a soul-crushing sentence, and not something you want to go throwing about. When Monsieur P would ask me what was up, I just told him I was thinking, because I was nowhere near being ready to talk about it. After all, I still didn’t have my own emotions in check, so it wouldn’t be fair to throw him into the same turmoil.
I just kept thinking – I couldn’t possibly have failed at yet another relationship, because I was doing it right this time (after a terrible failure of a relationship previously)! But for all of my efforts and thinking I was handling this relationship correctly, I realized that my lax approach to this relationship was really just causing me to harbor resentment and doubt. I had improved my communication skills with Monsieur P in the beginning of our relationship, but when things wouldn’t get resolved, I just let them go in order to avoid further conflict, which didn’t help the issue. For what it’s worth, even months after the fact, I still am not 100% where things went wrong. The only thing I know is that I am relieved to not be getting married next month. I’m relieved that I was able to determine that my doubts weren’t just your typical cold feet, but something more. And one day, I hope that Monsieur P sees that I made a choice that is going to end positively for both of us, rather than just going with the flow of things and carrying on to the wedding.
Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How many people do you know who have broken an engagement? Why is breaking up so hard to do?